remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
