Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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