Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
