I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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