You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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