I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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