can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My liver just had a heart attack.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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