I just cut my nipple shaving
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
