Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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