I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
