Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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