u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
