My sheets look like a crime scene.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
