I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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