Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She even gives head with a lisp.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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