Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
