The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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