Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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