my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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