dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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