Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
