'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Randomize
