You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
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Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
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Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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