Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
