Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
