I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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