matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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