I wanna passion pit in your ass
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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