Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
