I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
