Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He uses pillows to masturbate.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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