I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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