My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
