Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
