you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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