I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
