Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
