I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
