Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
