i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
