We named our party play list daddy issues
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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