Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
