Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
