Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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