How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
