My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
