You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
