Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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