I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Found your dick twin last night
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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