Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
