I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
